


Two bored idiots causing mental bruises

by Toastia



Category: Multi-Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toastia/pseuds/Toastia
Summary: Two idiots and twenty words, what could go wrong?This is a collection of oneshots of our writing challenge in which we choose four words and one fandom as a prompt for each hopefully horrific chapter.Enjoy, or don't, that's okay!





	1. Chapter 1

Lena is cool aber Tizia ist cooler


	2. Sweet beer and big hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice chat with Jeff Goldblum on Drag night in the gay bar.
> 
> Words:ruby, Drag, beer, bad news

The Chez Ellen has forever been your favorite gay bar in the whole damn state. You weren’t really sure why that was, because the Chez was surely not one to win an interior design award, hell it wouldn’t even be nominated as a joke, but the drinks were reasonably priced and you knew the crowd. You frequented this bar ever since you came out about ten years ago and just kind of never left.  
You’re checking your watch, you’re a little late for the newcomers' drag night, but are you really to blame? Tucking in your shirt and cuffing sleeves just took too much time you had already lost by watching countless Tik Toks on your phone.  
You rush in and spot an almost empty table in the back, while the first drag mother is already proudly introducing their new offspring, Alice D.  
“Mind if i just?” you whisper- yell at the lanky man’s back, or rather his top hat, but without even waiting for any sort of response you slide into the seat and focus on the new girl giving the lip sync performance of The Weather Girls’ “Raining men”, an absolute classic, her all.  
The crowd is utterly delighted by her whole performance, they cheer and whoo at her for at least a minute. You smile. The Chez is just the most supportive place.  
“That was absolutely marvelous.” The man exclaims and turns towards you. He is wearing thick brim glasses but a lot of eyeshadow sparkled from behind the glasses, he reminded you of Jeff Goldblum in Ragnarok as the Grand Master.  
“Yeah she’s quite good! I’m sure we are going to see a lot of her in the future.” You agree. Usually you would avoid middle aged men in any type of bar, but something about him just seems kind and genuine.  
“Wonderful. Do you come here often?” he asks leaning in a little too close.  
“Yeah, been coming here for over a decade. The crowd is pretty sweet and accepting.” you say, contemplating him for a moment, he did remind you of Jeff Goldblum an awful lot, but something still seemed different in the bad lightening.  
“Wow a whole decade, that’s amazing, so you must know quite a lot about Drag and this place. I’ve got to say I’m an “absolute beginner” at all of this but I do find the art of it quite magnificent” He says, rubbing his scruff with his obnoxiously long fingers. You notice that neither of you have a drink on the table yet.  
“Sure, you can ask me if you are curious about anything, but if you want first hand input from a queen I’d suggest you’d ask one of the older girls, they love talking about themselves.” You say smiling and he nods slowly “But Imma grab a drink real quick, do you want anything? It’s on me. A small welcoming gift so to speak.”  
He looks at you surprised.  
“Oh that’s very generous of you, dear, but you really don’t have to.” he reaches out for your shoulder for a quick, friendly squeeze. Okay it must actually be Jeff Goldblum, no one else would be this charming while ignoring all concepts of personal space.  
“No, no, I must insist.”  
“Well I guess if you insist.. I would like some sweet uhhhh-” he starts smoothly gesticulating while rolling his shoulders, looking for the word “fizzy drink. An Appletini or something perhaps. Or ohh a uh- Baileys. The tingy sweet drinks with uh the delicious- yes delicious- velvety taste.”  
You grin, yep this was the Goldblum himself.  
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this place doesn’t have any cocktails or that sort of things. I could get you a beer and lemonade? That’s sweet and fizzy?” You suggest.  
“Oh that would be lovely, I had a lot of those when I was younger.” he says. You nod and leave to grab your drinks.   
When your return you find him admiring the girls fixing up their wigs in the corner.  
“There you go.” You place the drink right in front of him.  
“Thank you very much!” he says.  
“Have you ever thought of doing drag?” you ask him, he looks at you with raised eyebrows but a smirk.  
“Have I? Well I am most certainly thinking about it right now. I mean I do envy the big, luscious hair.” - He gesticulates hair over his hat. “I could see myself in a classy ruby dress, with some voluptuous padded silhouette, strutting the stage, but - I don’t think I would walk too well in those shoes. Perhaps I should try that at home some time” You grin at the thought.  
“Maybe you should.”


	3. Chapter 3

The year is 1405. For as long as you can think, the country of the Wise and the Wicked that you like to roam has always been blessed. Heavy crops, wonderful sunsets, kind people. But first and foremost, the land’s glory can be traced back to one man, one man alone.

In every village you pass through, people whisper about the Great Dragon Slayer, Jeff Goldblum, master of the beasts and monsters. Of course, you have never met him before. He is a celebrity of some sorts, a star, a luminary, reaching levels of nobility and deep respect almost equal to the King and Queen.

As a vagabond, you have seen all kinds of things. But never before have you stumbled upon a scene quite like this. In your search for a place to stay the night, you have reached a large, not epoch appropriate building, a mansion, lit with magical torches and big, looming fires framing the stony walkway toward the extravagant entrance gate. Intimidated but intrigued, you knock on the solid wood, flinching when the door slides open at once.

Your eyes travel lower to find a black cat gazing up at you. Its eyes seem to be able to look right into your soul and you feel your knees wobble as you follow the small animal inside, almost entranced by its aura. The gate shuts behind you, causing a dull noise to reverberate in the big hall you find yourself in. Gasping, you realize there are more cats. From almost every corner, every socket or niche, pairs of bright half-moon eye meet your widely open ones, and you feel yourself shiver. After a moment, you set your eyes on the black cat again, and your feet start moving of their own accord, following the beautiful creature up a set of solid stairs.

“Ahhh, a visitor, lovely, lovely, enter and have a seat.”

You had barely reached the top of the stairs when a loud voice made you stop in your tracks. A few seconds go by as you stand there with bated breath, but then you decide you are not in danger and follow the man’s invitation. Now you realize you’re in a dining hall, facing a long table. At its very end sat a handsome man with piercing eyes and a wide smile, beckoning you to come closer.

“Merlin’s beard!” you screech, taking a step back. Luckily the cat stopped you from tumbling right down the stairs. “You’re- you can’t be-!”

“Ah, please, do not make a big fuss about it. I mean, I may have slain forty-six dragons, yes, and oh boy, those battles almost cost me my life more than once, and yes, this country would not be the same without a hero like me, but, ah, how do you say – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

Confused, you nod. You had never heard that saying before.

“Sit, sit,” he said again, waving his large hand and pulling a chair back with his other one, so you approach him and sink down on the chair he picked, still speechless. “I don’t get many visitors, you know. Whenever I go to the village, they just want me to do fancy tricks like, _Ah, Sir Goldblum, show me that move of yours that you killed the Beast of Antador_ _with_ , or _Please, Sir Goldblum, may I buy you one last drink? I really can’t let you buy it yourself, you’re a hero_! It’s endearing but sometimes I just want a friend, not a fanatic admirer, you know? All the people that wanna sleep with me… it wears me out.”

You raise your brows and say nothing. You don’t really know what to say.

“Ah, speaking of drinks,” the noble slayer continued, not bothered by your silence. “Have a beer! Ah, what am I saying, have two! Three! As many as you like! I have a feeling this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Or… maybe more.”


End file.
